Yesterday marked 6 years of my sobriety. It was pretty uneventful – much different than my previous sober birthdays, which usually involve a meeting, a birthday cake with candles, the “happy birthday” song, a card, lots of hugs, and just an overwhelming feeling of love and support. Yeah, here in California, we go all out (I think that’s part of the reason I’ve been able to stay sober this long). Tears usually flow during my birthday shares, along with a huge feeling of gratitude for all the unconditional love I’ve received over the years from people in the program… But this year was different.
It goes without saying that 2020 has pretty much been a shit show. This passing year has been difficult for all of us in different ways. Especially in the last few months, as we were told that a deadly pandemic was upon us, the media told us to be scared, and the government took control – placing a plethora of coronavirus-induced restrictions on our lives. Even if the aim was to protect us, there has certainly been a lot of unintended harm to so many people’s lives. I am saddened for those who lost their lives to covid19, but that certainly hasn’t been the only losses people have suffered.
For me, personally, besides the passing of two dear family members (not covid related), it was the mandate of ‘no more gatherings’ that has affected me the most, because this included AA meetings – which happen to be the number one ESSENTIAL tool for recovery. In-person meetings were replaced with virtual meetings for an undetermined amount of time. Online meetings are better than nothing, but they lack the very key ingredient essential to sobriety – the energy that comes from being in the same room with people who share the same struggle of fighting addiction and maintaining sobriety. Meetings and commitments keep us accountable. We just can’t get that without face-to-face interaction.
Alcoholism and addiction impacts over 40 million people every year in the US. Alcoholism is a disease of isolation – so forcing isolation onto an alcoholic is incredibly harmful and potentially dangerous. My heart goes out to every alcoholic and addict (and their families) who’ve had to navigate this difficult time, and the risk of relapse (or worse) over the course of the shutdowns. I don’t think the actual impact will be ever be known…
Sobriety isn’t something we can just get because we want it. If you’re a true alcoholic like me, white-knuckling it through dry periods only gets you so far. Every time I tried to get sober on my own, inevitably led to me picking up again. To reach a comfortable level of contentment in sobriety, meant I had to do the work. You see, we have to be willing to get uncomfortable in order to grasp any real change in our lives. No pain, no gain. And after reaching a good spot in sobriety, we have to KEEP doing the work, because unfortunately, there is no cure for addiction – only a daily reprieve.
I strongly believe – at least for me and countless others – that the 12 steps are the only way to achieve long-term sobriety. This includes attending regular meetings, enlisting the help of a sponsor, doing 12 step work, making use of the fellowship, daily meditation and lots of prayer. Nothing worthwhile is ever easy, but some things – like sobriety – are are a matter of life and death. Here are 5 tools for recovery that have proven most useful for me over the last 6 years. These are the ‘big boys’ in a tool box full of many helpful tools for living:
1. MEETINGS. This is the first step towards recovery from addiction. Admitting that you need help is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of courageous strength. Once you finally plant your butt in some meetings, it doesn’t take long to learn that surrender doesn’t mean your life is over, it means you’ve reached the light at the end of the tunnel. If you open your ears and start listening, taking in the wisdom of the old-timers who’ve actually worked their program over the years, you’ll likely find the key you’ve been searching for all your life.
2. A SPONSOR. To really work the 12 steps, means you have to work with another alcoholic. The steps are designed in a very specific way, they are not designed to be taken alone. Relief doesn’t happen overnight, it happens over time. A sponsor doesn’t have to be your best friend, only someone you can trust to walk you through the steps, and feel comfortable sharing your story with.
3. 12 STEP WORK. The real work of recovery. The road map to living a life of serenity, personal growth and truth. The path to genuine happiness from choosing to live an honest life. For me, the 12 steps saved my life. They gave me the solution that I just could not find out there on my own. The 12 steps are a priceless gift for those brave enough to take them.
4. THE FELLOWSHIP. As I said before, alcoholism is a disease of isolation. It’s a disease of thinking you’re all alone, that no one could ever understand what you’ve been through. It’s a disease of thinking that the drink or drug is the only thing that can bring relief, and after the shit you’ve been through, you deserve it, right? The truth is… you deserve better.
Just listen to those with some sober time, who share their experiences. They’ll say, “listen to the similarities, not the differences”. Fellow members will open your ears, open your eyes and teach you how to live ONE DAY AT A TIME, without taking a drink. You might even learn to ‘party’ without drinking or using. The first sober parties I attended were actually quite entertaining and fun. I didn’t make a fool of myself, and I didn’t wake up with a vicious hangover, not remembering what I’d done. I made some friends, and I woke up happy… Sober friends are different from drinking buddies – they genuinely care for your well-being and desire for a better life, because they are fighting right there with you.
5. MEDITATION & PRAYER. As someone who’s struggled with my mental health since I was a child (suffering from severe anxiety and episodes of major depression that ultimately led to the development of my addiction), my journey in sobriety has brought me closer to God – it had to. My whole life prior, had consisted of carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders, which proved time and time again, to be much too much for one girl to bear. My new found faith in a power greater than myself has allowed me to put it all down, to let go, to release the heavy burdens I carried, and live. Early on in recovery, I was told not to pray for myself only, but to pray for the needs of others, even those I resented. They say prayer is when you talk to God, meditation is when he talks to you.
Instead of living with the idea that ‘life sucks, then you die’, it’s much sweeter to live with the idea that yes, life is full of suffering, but it is the greatest blessing to be able to experience the beauty of the world, too. Addiction keeps you trapped in a prism of negative thoughts and feelings. It causes you to lose trust in every one and every thing. Sobriety releases you from that trap. It allows you to let go and bring genuine happiness into your life (happiness that is not chemically-induced). Life isn’t something you’re meant to just get through, it’s something you GET to LIVE through.
Sobriety isn’t easy, but the good news is – you don’t have to do it perfectly. The only thing you have to do perfectly, is not pick up. But if you do, the hand of AA will always be there. Thank God. I’ve had my share of disappointment, heartache and despair – even in sobriety, but because of these tools for living, I haven’t had to drink over it. Instead, I’ve felt the greatest joys and experienced the most wonderful moments of my life.
Even though this year’s sober birthday was different from the rest, it still marks another year of blessings and another year of hope for me. I get to be a sober mama, and I’m really grateful for that… In the past 6 years, I’ve learned the power of the saying, ‘this too, shall pass’, and that the promises of the program do, in fact, materialize – if you work for them.
*I might have written this blog as a much needed reminder for myself during this stressful time. Hopefully, you got something out of it. If not, that’s ok, too. Prayers for peace & love, my friends.
