To say 2020 was ‘difficult’, would be an understatement. I’ve heard it described as a ‘dumpster fire’, which I feel is a pretty accurate description. For someone who prides their life on bettering their circumstances, thinking positive and living in the moment – 2020 has challenged me in ways I’m not sure I’ve been challenged before. It’s honestly left me feeling drained and fearful. My tears fall at random. I just have so many questions, and feel so out of control sometimes. But that feeling of being so out of control brings me back to the only place where I find comfort… through my faith.
Making the decision to leave California, our mountain home, and a community we loved, was heartbreaking. I cried more during that month before we left, and even more the months after, then I have in many, many years. While it was easy to sell our home (because the market is insane), it was not easy to let go of it. It was supposed to be our forever home. Despite the things I really didn’t like (earthquakes, wildfires and rattlesnakes), I mostly adored it. I had sunk my whole heart and soul into it over the nearly two years we lived there. I also sunk my whole heart and soul into the three beautiful outdoor cats that we adopted to keep us safe from critters. And due to unforeseen circumstances, we had to let go of them, too…
For some reason, in the midst of the last weeks before we moved, our dog Lily, got very ill. She had to be hospitalized, and after that, we had to drive her to the vet for treatments twice a day. She was on a cocktail of medications and it seemed to take all my energy to care for her. At a time when I should’ve been gathering my thoughts, packing, and getting the cats situated for the move, I was making sure my dog didn’t die. By the grace of God, her condition improved the weekend before we were scheduled to leave. But after that tough ordeal, we were left with just a couple days to finish all we needed to finish.
Then we found out we were only going to get a 15 foot moving truck (one of the only two in the state of CA at the time, because the entire state of CA was also moving, apparently). So, we were selling a bunch of our stuff at the last minute, and giving the rest of it away. Not off to a good start. I was still trying to process the ‘goodbye’ to the life we’d built over the last decade, and it hit me hard, but not nearly as hard as what was still to come…
Saying goodbye to California? Meh. What was once such an exiting place, the ‘California Dream’, had become something neither me or my husband recognized. California is going through a troubling time to say the least, and we’re not sure where the light is at the end of the tunnel. I hope it shines bright though, because there are a lot of people and places we LOVE in California. California is a beautiful state, and we will always be grateful for the time we spent there.
Saying goodbye to our mountain home? Not something that came easily. It was supposed to be our forever home. I fell in love with that house and that land in a way I’d never loved a place before. The views were stunning. The privacy and the nature was abundant. The mild four seasons with big mountain snowfalls in winter, excited me more than anything! If we needed to be near LA for work, this was the best place we could possibly be. It was a slice of heaven. Over time, we obviously realized no place was perfect, but looking back on it now, Bear Valley Springs was pretty amazing. An adventure like no other. The time we spent there holds such a special place in my heart.
The worst part of it all? The letting go that has not gotten any easier? Letting go of our cats. For me, they came first when it came to our plan for the move. Every place I looked at online, my first thoughts were how the cats would fit in. Never did I assume they weren’t coming with us. But the unforeseen, was just too big to overcome…
To make a long story short, as a little girl, I always had a cat. I’ve been a cat person since birth. There is something about cats that touches the depths of my soul. But as an adult, I developed an allergy, so we never got an indoor cat. When we decided to enlist some outdoor cats to help with our rattlesnake problem, I was ecstatic! I fell deeply in love with our three little mountain lions. Never would I have thought I’d have to give them up. I had spent so much time and energy planning and purchasing everything I thought we needed to transition them to Tennessee, but I never had a plan B. I never expected that come moving day, when it came down to getting them in their crate, that the kitties and God would have another plan…
What happened? Well, I had a large crate they were all supposed to travel in, but it proved impossible for them all to stay in it at one time. We’d get two cats in, and when we went to put the third in, they all bailed out. We tried for over an hour, and it just wasn’t going to work. Our cats are wild. Even though they are friendly and love attention, they will always be wild and free. In those tough moments, with tears rolling down my face, as the world came crashing down around me, I realized that even if I got them all in the crate, the moment I opened the door again, I risked losing them. Where in the US would we be when that happened?
So, as I sat in the dirt by a log that Ripley went to hide in, I tried to explain to her what she needed to do, but she only looked at me, confused (or perhaps she thought I was crazy?). I saw Socks, laying proudly in front of his home, looking at me like, “What are you doing? I’m staying right here.” I prayed for God to tell me what to do. I was exhausted. Mentally, I didn’t have the capacity to figure out another way. In that moment, I realized that this whole time, I had been doing what was best for me, not what was best for them.
My idea of keeping them in a single crate during the day, a different crate at night, driving them across the country, then temporarily housing them in a outdoor enclosure for a month or two until we got into our new home, didn’t come without risk, and it would have been torture for them. So, I had to do what was best, and that was to let them stay in their home. They owned that territory, they were safe there. Even though I love them more than they could ever know, I knew the right thing was to let them go.
Luckily, at the last minute, the new owners of our home said they would welcome our kitties with open arms. They, too, have a little boy, and for their own protection, they need those kitties just as much as we did. I just wish I had accepted it sooner and asked them before we were getting ready to pull out of the driveway. I could have spent the last month loving on my kitties and saying goodbye, instead of not getting to say goodbye at all…
It was all too much. Both Ryan and I broke down, screaming, crying and letting out all the pent up stress of 2020. It was bound to happen sooner or later. We were emotionally drained. But we still had to get our shit together and drive across the country. I think during those critical moments, I went into hard core denial. I couldn’t process anything. I just stopped crying, pulled up my big girl pants and did what I needed to do. I needed to try to hold things somewhat together for my son, and for my poor Lily, who clearly just needed some peace.
Somehow, I had it in me to wipe my tears, hug my little boy, and get him in the car. But not before I cleaned up the pool of shit Lily left for us on Tristan’s car seat, and I stupidly set my phone on the top of the back hatch, only to get shattered when Ryan went to close it… Nice. Really could have done without those last two. I won’t go into detail how that all played out. But, yes, I did manage to get a new phone while we were on the road that night… barely.
Nothing that happened this year has been a part of our plan. I have so many regrets. I think about how I could have done it all differently, and how my kitties could somehow be here with me. But I know that the past can not be changed. I choose to trust that God’s plan is not always my plan. I choose to try to listen better when I hear his voice within me. I also need to learn to trust my instincts, because I can’t tell you how many times they’ve been right over the last few months. When I don’t listen to that first instinct, and go ahead and do something anyway, I usually find that the first thought was the right one.
There’s nothing easy about letting go, especially when you love something or someone more than the sky above. But strength is trusting that it’s probably for the best, even if it hurts you to the core. I just hope this new life in Tennessee will be all that we hope for. I hope we really do get to see our family more, have more freedom, and more of all the things we love. I hope the future will be brighter for our son. I put my faith in God, I ask him to strengthen me, to guide me, and to take care of those I love. That, in a nutshell, might be the only thing I have control over. Whatever else happens, happens.
Honestly, I’m just thankful my family is together and we are healthy. Our Lily survived her illness and is now a happy little farm dog. Still, I miss our kitties. I feel an emptiness, a sadness within. I know this is grief, and it will eventually pass. I have to trust that I’m doing what’s best for them. They are being cared for and loved. And when I can let go of the guilt and pain, I can be excited for the future ahead of us, whatever that looks like at this point.
We have a new home, and we’ll get the same opportunity to make it our own. I think I’m going to love it just as much as our home in California. It all just takes time. What I know for sure, is that I’m still so grateful for this life. I know that every morning we wake up and draw a breath, is a miracle in itself.
