For the last 6 years, I feel like I’ve barely written. I suppose some blogs here and there, a handful of meditations, and a children’s book isn’t nothing, but I feel like I should have done more. I could have done more. It seemed like as the seasons of new motherhood passed, and I was starting to get on a meaningful path with meditations, the pandemic came. What was left of the creative in me was slowly stolen, because I let it happen.
Choosing to absorb all the pain of world for the last 3 years really took me down. In so many ways, I needed God to save me from myself (again). I never relapsed, but I was miserable, and the hole I’d been digging kept getting deeper. I was so full of fear, prepping for the end, barely sleeping, gaining weight and just praying for it all to stop. I needed relief. So, God answered my prayers, in his own mysterious way…
When I broke my foot last year, I didn’t know how I would get through it. Conquering the frustration of being non-weightbearing combined with the excruciating pain of two surgeries was too much. Why me!? It took me awhile, but I realized what the lesson in it all was. I had forgotten how to be in the moment. I had forgotten how to love myself. I had given too much energy to things that did not serve me, and not enough energy to the things that do.
I might not have been drinking, but I was full-time obsessing over the end of the world, the pandemic, the lies, the wars… None of which I had any control over, even if I tried to control it to my death. My obsessing and prepping did nothing but take my health and my mind further from the life I wanted for my family and myself.
As time passed, and I accepted that healing my foot was going to take a long, long time, I realized how life can completely change in the blink of an eye. All the moments wasted worrying about something that might never happen, takes away all the precious moments that are happening right now. We are not supposed to worry about the end, he told us. Thank you, God, for reminding me.
My purpose on this earth is to be a good wife and mother, and to help make the world a better place with messages of hope and healing. Letting go is the only way to a happy, fulfilled life. Gods got it. No matter what happens.
Needless to say, it’s been tough to feel inspired over the last few years, but I’ve realized now, that waiting around for that special spark of inspiration I used to get before embarking on a creative task might not work for me anymore. As the cycles of living change, we change with them, and sometimes we might need to work a little harder to create our inspiration.
One thing is for sure, friends, like me, you know what you need to do, and it doesn’t matter if it sucks. Just do it. Just write it.
