The Lord said to me, “This is going to hurt, but it will set you free.”
I have to believe there must be something greater on the other side of healing. If only I knew what that something greater was. If only I could make sense of why it all had to happen. In this season of my life, I didn’t ask for buried memories of childhood trauma to resurface, yet on a trip home for Christmas, in my innocent quest for some closure, God answered my prayers in a way I didn’t expect. Prayers written in my old journal entries, that someday I would be free from the pain inside of me. Pain that I always felt, but couldn’t understand.
At 40 years old, with a child the age I was when I’d first been abused, like a mirror into my past, I realized nothing that happened to me was normal or okay. I guess the time was right for me to finally make sense of it. And when the world around me started crumbling, and running away wasn’t an option, I was forced to face what I’d kept buried most of my life. My time had come for reckoning. This was the answer to my prayers, but I was so scared to do what I had to do. I had to say “Yes” to healing the wounds that had never stopped bleeding.
Just as Mary said “Yes” to being the Mother of Jesus, “Let it be done to me according to your will”, I had to do the same. Mary didn’t fully understand it, yet she trusted in God’s plan for her life. And Mary’s “Yes” ended up giving hope to the whole world. She gave herself selflessly, lovingly and beautifully. Perhaps, saying my own “Yes” might bring hope to the world, too.
I know I don’t even close to measure up to our Blessed Mother, but I do find comfort in her story. I can relate to the feeling of complete despair. A feeling within me that comes from being an innocent child who was forced to endure true evil. And after releasing its grip, it left me to suffer for a lifetime – without any understanding or justice for what had been done. The effects of child sexual abuse, neglect and abandonment are profound and undeniable.
Now, when I reflect on the consequences of my past with clarity, the pain my innocent inner child was left to carry alone, often feels like a burden that is overwhelming. There have been so many acts of abuse, gaslighting, minimization and straight up denial that’s protected only the ones who caused the pain, without any consideration for the ripple effect of destruction that was inflicted on my life. It’s not something you just “move on” from without a deep, and courageous strength. I survived the best I could, but now it’s time to really, truly heal.
I’ve accepted that this road of healing will be a long, lonely one, and I might never heal to the point that I wish I could. Afterall, the past can not be undone. I’ll always remember what happened, what was stolen from me, and scars will remain because of it. But that doesn’t mean it’s hopeless. I believe now, that those pieces of my broken childhood that I am learning to understand and repair, give me purpose. And I think that might be what God had in mind all along. I just needed to say “Yes”, like Mary did. Knowing that breaking the silence does not come without a cost.
As I grieve the losses, I know it will get easier as time goes on. Being patient in my grief is the key. And if this difficult journey can somehow ensure I don’t pass on the generational pain to my own child, that’s enough for me to know the healing journey is beyond worth it. And if I can also help others who are struggling silently in the dark to find the courage to bring their own pain out into the light and heal themselves and their own families, too, then that becomes something much greater than me.
For all those struggling on this journey of healing… Remember this… We are not broken – we are rising from the ashes.
