So far this year I’ve competed in two beauty pageants; Ms. North Hollywood and Mrs Hollywood. I placed 2nd runner up at both. After I got 2nd runner up at Ms. North Hollywood I said, “I don’t think I can do this again”. The pain of losing stung… Then the very next day I considered doing another one. I figured with everything I learned, if I just got more practice and a boost of confidence I could definitely win the next one. So I entered into Mrs. Hollywood. I gave it my all. I got my body in tip top shape with a healthy diet and exercise, I learned how to do my hair and makeup pageant style, and went out and got some more sponsors. I developed a great platform and began volunteering with an organization I’m passionate about. At the pageant I felt beautiful, I rocked the stage and did the best I could with interview and questions. I thought I did so well in all events, but still placed 2nd runner up.
I was left with so many questions… Pageants are amazing for building confidence, and meeting and appreciating all the beautiful, young ladies you compete with. They all work so, so hard and have the same hope of going home with a crown, but the truth is that there can only be one winner. It’s a competition. And often there’s no telling who the judges have chosen. It is a subjective process, much like any competition where winners have to perform and be judged. It can be a great experience, but also really heartbreaking. I think the lesson I learned is that it’s not about winning the crown, but about enjoying the experience. If you enjoy it, you can do it again and again. And who know’s someday you might just win the title!
Any way I look at it, it comes down to this: I’m proud of the woman I am becoming. Over a year ago, I was so completely broken. I had zero confidence, was isolating in my bedroom, drinking and hiding vodka from my husband. My depression and addiction had spiraled out of control and I didn’t even want to live anymore. I felt like the world was against me and God had given up on me. That was when I prayed for help and surrendered. Over the past year, I’ve learned that what I thought was my weakness has become my strength. Admitting you have a problem and you need help is the most courageous thing a person can do. Fast forward a year later, I have been sober and done so many amazing things. The things I always wanted; love, friendship and self-worth, I have now. All I needed to do was put the bottle down, and get honest with myself. So regardless of how many people love me, how many likes I get, if I win a crown or not, or I make it on the A-list – none of that matters. What matters is that I can love myself, love others and know that I am strong and I have a purpose.
