Throughout my young life, I remember having a connection to God. I don’t know if it was taught, or if it was just something within my soul. I believe it was the latter. But like many people, I was told that most of the violence in the world was due to religious wars, and bad people usually hid under the guise of being Christians. Right off the bat, I absorbed this from others around me and developed a dislike of organized religion (there was also a girl in my Sunday school that was mean to me, so I guess that was enough of an excuse for me to not like church). But a Christian in proclamation, I’ve learned, is much different than a Christian who lives rightly.
In reflecting on my own upbringing, we attended a Lutheran church, but certainly not to any regularity. I do remember the day I was baptized. That was important to my mother… But my childhood was filled with struggle, sexual abuse trauma and a broken home. I carried burdens that weren’t mine to carry. I turned to alcohol and drugs by the age of 14, because they were the only thing that numbed the pain. It’s hard to grapple with the sins of your parents and the impact that their decisions have on you, especially as a child when you look to them for comfort, protection and guidance.
By some miracle I survived the depths of darkness, but it had consequences. Through it all though, I never stopped praying that someday God might help me be finally free of the shame and pain that haunted my soul. And that someday I would use my story to help others. At the age of 41, God has led me to trauma therapy, and I’m finally facing what I tried so hard to bury. Freedom looks like a real possibility now (but that’s for another blog post)…
In my world, growing up as a Protestant (or some version of that), it was also normal to dismiss the Catholic Church, without truly knowing why. I remember as a child asking my mother why we said a creed that included devotion to the Catholic Church, if we were not Catholic? She said the Catholic Church was where our faith came from, but the Catholic Church was “rigid”. But what does that mean? Why did Protestants separate from the Catholic Church? Why do they dismiss it? Why do they seem to carry such animosity towards it?
Looking back now, and learning about their reasons why, I can understand how the separation occurred. But to me, it’s not the crimes of the past that some involved in the church committed, it’s not the faith itself, it’s the fact that some humans in this world crave power. They think they know better. They think they are right. They are the “right” kind of Christians, and the others are the “wrong” kind. That is why we have so many denominations. But when someone does something bad within a church, it doesn’t mean you throw out the entire faith. So many people, including me, have missed out on the beauty of the Catholic faith, and that is unfortunate.
When our son was born we weren’t thinking about church. I was finding healing and peace through mindfulness and meditation, studying Buddhism, and growing on my recovery journey. There are many similarities between Buddhism and Christianity. The teachings of love of all things, peace and nonviolence bring goodness of heart, but even with all of that, I still felt like something was missing. I knew the story didn’t end there. It kept me asking, what is it? What am I seeking? I didn’t know it at the time, but I was seeking something tangible. I was seeking to touch God. I was seeking the Eucharist.
After moving to Tennessee, we opened our minds to the idea of attending a church. After a while my heart was called to have our son baptized. We had explored different churches, but none of them felt right. They veered in directions that I didn’t feel were always truly the teachings of Jesus, and they left little room to fill in details of a universe that goes beyond our understanding. I love the sciences, especially psychology and philosophy. I love theology and exploring the lives of other Christian mystics that I relate to so much. My soul craves going deeper into understanding that light within. What makes us who we are?
The truth is that the Catholic Church is the church Jesus Christ founded over 2000 years ago. It remains alive in this world. It is also true that humans have to lead the way forward, which makes it prone to error, but the truth and the fullness is not in the errors, it’s in the faith. We trust that those called to holy orders make decisions on matters in good faith, and that the Holy Spirit is guiding them. When the people of the church see that something is wrong, it is up to us to call it out. That is how it works.
What lies beyond the structure of the church, though, is where we really find God. In the Holy Mass. The Gospel. The Beauty. The Reverence. The Holy Spirit is at the heart of the church, and the presence of Jesus is truly alive in the Eucharist. For me, it’s not just being told it is, I feel it in my soul. The mystical union with God is attainable and it’s breathtaking.
I know the Holy Spirit called me to this faith for a reason, and when I learned that other homeschool friends of ours attended the only Catholic Church in town, I knew it was a sign. I quickly dove into learning about Catholicism, and I found that I had held so many misconceptions of the church. It was nothing like what I’d been told it was. In my prayer and meditation while I was preparing to attend my first mass, I heard Jesus say to me, “Follow Me.” And that was it. Something moved within me. My heart opened.
This deep and meaningful conversion, brings a connection to Jesus that I always longed for, but didn’t know how to have. I was confirmed the same day my son was baptized, and finally found my home in the Catholic Church. It’s such an amazing thing to realize that I don’t need to keep looking for the truth. Jesus felt so out of reach before, but he’s been here all along. Waiting for me to say, YES! He is alive in his church and in the hearts of those who seek him. He has kept the church together since the day he told Peter to look after it. Every mass is a reconnection to the last supper and he is truly present in the bread and wine. Each time I receive the Eucharist, my soul rejoices.
I find the sacraments to be the best way to live a real “as good as it gets” life here on earth. It’s not “rigid”, it’s helpful. Especially, for those who honestly aim to live a good life. The ten commandments were not written to hold people back, they were written as a path to freedom from the pain of sin. For me, the level of healing and peace that exists in doing the work of recovery and also the work of living a life of faith has been clear.
I am not a saint, I still struggle sometimes, but I feel strongly guided in faith. I feel free to be myself, to learn and grow, and hold the beliefs I value, while having God’s will at the center of my life. I feel supported and loved not only by The Father and The Son, but by a Blessed Mother, the Saints and all those who are cheering from above. The Holy Spirit works through people and this faith teaches us how to be better, how to forgive and how to be of service to a fallen world.
I love being Catholic!
