“How long will you keep me waiting?” That is what Jesus told Saint Faustina during a hard time in her life. She is my Confirmation saint, and I think that’s what he’s been getting at with me, too… Why do I fail to do the things he asks me to do? Why do I fail at doing the things I promise to myself and to others that I’m going to do? Why do I repeatedly come up with excuses why today is not the day? Where will I be, WHO will I be, if in another 30 years, I’m still saying the same things to myself? The truth is that there’s never a “good day” to do the thing you know you need to do. There’s TODAY, and that’s the best we’re going to get.
Today, I decided to write a blog. Most days, I come up with an excuse to avoid writing. This is called the sin of sloth. The Lord has asked me to write, and I know he needs me to write. He gave me this life so that I would share my experience, strength, and hope with others. I believe in my soul there is something I can offer the world through my words and stories that can help the world become just a little brighter. Words that might plant a seed in someone’s heart and lead them away from a life of destruction, to a life of purpose, peace and goodwill. But I have to do the work. Nothing good ever comes from doing nothing (unless it’s meditation, that is definitely something).
Through all my years of trying to find my purpose, I know one thing is true: my soul wants to help the world find peace. One day at a time. From the prideful alcoholic who has lost all hope, to the prideful businessman who thinks they have it all together, we are really no different from one another. The sins are the same. It’s so easy to lose our way, and to lose faith. Earthly life is hard, and at certain points, even daily, we stop honoring God, and we start honoring other things. There are so many temptations that become obsessions, and these things take away our light and our truth.
It has taken me many, many years to reach a place where I can be at peace handing my will over to God. And the truth is, I need to make the choice to hand it over every single day. After all, I can’t escape my humanness. None of us can, no matter what we do. Our humanness is real. Evil is real. Suffering is real. But goodness is real, too. And God can heal. There is more to life than our earthly body, our earthly goods, our earthly ambitions and pleasures, and there is more than our earthly failures. There is HIM. He is LOVE. He is TRUTH. And he believes we are worth saving.
When I was going through the hardest times of my life, it wasn’t God who left me. I left him. I was full of pride, too smart and too good to listen. I wanted what I wanted, and it got me nowhere but thinking of ending my own life. After nearly 10 years of sobriety, and a spiritual journey with a lot of painful healing, I’ve come to realize that God’s commandments are not meant to keep us from joy, they are meant to bring us joy. Our souls are not meant for this fallen world. We are meant for something greater and more beautiful than anything we could imagine. A place where no pain, no hurt, no evil and no questioning exist. A place called Heaven.
Sometimes the mystery of God perplexes me. I still ask, “Why?” “Why all the pain in the world?” “Why the suffering of a child?” “Did God make a mistake?” All these questions come back to this: God permits bad things to happen in order for something better to arise from it. There’s no other way for us to learn. Often, through the most horrific of circumstances a soul can truly find God, and thus, relief from their storm. One can’t know the fullness of the light without also knowing the dark. So, as each trial comes along, I try to look at it through this lens.
At this point in my life, I’m choosing to take this path and to trust, even when it’s really, really hard. Because without trust in God, I am full of fear. Fear keeps me frozen and leads me to sin, and I don’t like how that makes me feel. Being slothful doesn’t just apply to someone who doesn’t make their bed in the morning, but it also applies to someone like me, who holds back from the world something they have to give. Whether it’s writing, or volunteering, or giving to those in need in all the different ways we are able, we can all give something. We can give money or we can simply open the door for someone else. Giving without expecting anything in return can fill our hearts in ways we don’t expect.
I don’t deserve what I have been given. Sometimes I feel unworthy of God’s gifts and the treasures of his heart, but regardless, I believe he is working through me, and my life can be a testament of his grace and love.
I pray Oh Lord, let me hear your voice today. Guide me to do the will you have intended for me.
