It’s 2026. My how things have changed so much in six years. Among all the stupid, heart-wrenching things that I’ve endured since leaving California, I know there are some real amazing and meaningful things, too. I’ve watched my baby grow up, he’s about to turn nine! We were welcomed into the Catholic Church which has broadened the horizons of our faith exponentially. And I have finally been able to name the pain that’s been keeping me stuck all my life. I didn’t realize the storm that would awaken within me last year, but I’m grateful for it paving a path to healing the wounds.
I didn’t know leaving California was going to feel as awful as it did. I talked a big talk, and pretended that I was happier in Tennessee, but the truth was that for me, personally, it seemed like an avalanche of hardships since we packed up the moving truck. From all the covid bs, leaving my mountain house, having to unexpectedly leave my beloved cats behind, settling into an unfamiliar territory, falling down the stairs and breaking my foot badly and spending a year recovering from multiple surgeries, losing our beloved dog, Lily, needing a second set of braces due to misalignment from poor sleep/grinding teeth/bad mouthguards, terrible allergies, dreary winters, noticeably declining mental and physical health, and to top it off, last year a breakdown requiring intense therapy due to the resurfacing of buried childhood trauma. It’s been a lot.
When I think about the last four decades, I can see the progression of a life. From a young girl who faced a sad, and traumatic upbringing full of abuse and neglect, who spent her young life just trying to survive without support, struggling with addiction and lack of self-worth, left feeling confused and heartbroken, but still with an undeniable hope and faith that someday she would find her way out. Someday she would reach the stars and she would be free from the pain. This young girl became a young woman, newly married, and took off with the love of her life to follow their dreams in California. Facing many battles in addiction, a tumultuous relationship that never should have lasted, but by the grace of God, a different path was laid for them. Sobriety brought the first steps of life-changing healing, and then the gift of a new baby, a miracle child, bringing the truest test of a couple’s unwavering love.
Underneath it all though, this nagging pain. Not always conscious, but deep. She had a desire to reclaim her lost childhood. Not knowing that this need for acceptance, approval and love she thought she needed from her family, could only truly come from one place. A loving God. A hopeful mother unaware, still seeking it from the family that ignored her cries, realizing too late that even though she was willing to cross mountains for them, even give up her dream to be closer to them, they would never do that for her. Before she realized this truth, it was too late.
When we left California, I thought it would be easier for my family to see us. I thought my dad might actually move here! I thought our relationship would be what I always wished it could be. A fantasy that existed only in my mind. I couldn’t see the truth coming at all. I had blinders on. The blinders were the innocent hopes of that little girl in me, that they’d finally love me the way I should have been loved. But it wasn’t meant to be. God had another plan, and perhaps, without crossing those mountains and giving it one last shot, I’d never have faced the truth.
I’m a survivor of child sexual abuse and neglect that I was forced to endure alone for 35+ years. It’s haunted my life, my relationships, my self-esteem, my childhood, my adulthood, my motherhood, and my marriage. It robbed me of so much. My family was never willing to face it with me, they’d rather keep it hidden, and save themselves the “embarrassment”. But that left me carrying burdens I never should have had to carry. Even now, they don’t want healing, they would rather deny it and have silence. That is not honesty and certainly not love…
I’m still healing. It’s been a long year. I’m learning to accept and let go of those who hurt me. I’ve finally been able to name the pain that so wounded my mind, my body and my heart and soul. That, in itself, is freedom.
Through the loneliness of this healing, I have found the love of my God sustaining me, leading me, filling my heart with a new hope for my future. I’m not so scared of the unknown anymore. I’ll carry my cross as long as he needs me to. As healing progresses, and my inner child feels safe and loved, I’m able to think of what kind of mother I need to be for my son now. I’ll do what I have to do to be healthy in mind, body and spirit, so he knows that I would die to protect him. So, he grows up fiercely independent, strong, and compassionate, without feeling like he’s responsible for my happiness or anyone else’s. He will know he is loved, not just by us, but by his God. God trusted us with his heart, and I WILL NOT BREAK IT.
In this season of life, I can’t help but miss California. Little me always dreamed of it, and I really felt a special sense of hope and joy when we lived there. I wonder what it might have been like had I not struggled so much. If my lack of self-worth hadn’t always been in my way. I have many regrets, but I trust God’s plan for our life. We still love to visit. And now, if every day I wake up and pray for strength, remember gratitude and hug the ones I love, I know it’ll be alright. More is always revealed. The story isn’t over.
